Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
In case you needed to hear it:
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go