[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.