Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it