Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
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San Francisco has too many rules
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
You got this…
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.