Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
You Might Also Like
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
A drum solo but on your face.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.