Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Cashiers are always checking me out
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches