Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
😂😂😂
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.