my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
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MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.