Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.