*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.