I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
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I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I think the cat got the dog high.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team