if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
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I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Godspeed, John Glenn
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Close call…
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.