My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
#Caturday
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.