My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me