Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
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Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/