The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Just so funny
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.