Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
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If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Not today
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign