Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
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Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?