idk flipping houses looks really hard
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Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Welcome
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.