I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
how to market bottled water to dads
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
⛄️
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)