If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Need this in my life lol
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.