Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Thoughts
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too