My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
You Might Also Like
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.