me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Thursday
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.