Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
wait.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.