turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one