Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
You Might Also Like
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
North and South
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem