lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
You Might Also Like
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
the icebreaker
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.