i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
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“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.