Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Friday
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people