Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.