I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
October already? What’s next? November????
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me