I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

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*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*


Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.


Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?


Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?


“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker


Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.