Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here