My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
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Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The prophecy is fulfilled