I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.