Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories