My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
how to have an accident 101
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I cannot stop laughing at this