Incredible customer service.
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Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands