Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
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let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
LMAO.
termite twitter scares me
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.