Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
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Sheep
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.