Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
You Might Also Like
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!