If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.