gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do