Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I can’t be the only one 😂
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
$3 #books
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…