Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Got him!
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories