As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
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Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos