*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Not all heroes wear capes…
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone