How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
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Twitter remains undefeated
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
we all know this pain all too well
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.