Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
(Jupiter –
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Cha-ching is my safe word
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.