Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered