If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”