under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers